The Hobbits Go To Charm School
by Resisting Arrest
Summary: Bilbo,Sam,Merry,and Frodo get sent to Charm School by an exasperated Gandalf.R/R!Chapter 2 is up
1. What?Oh,impolite grunting pigs?

The Hobbits Go to Charm School  
By:Resisting Arrest  
disclaimer: I do not own J.R.R. Tolkien's characters,settings,names,etc and no infringement is intended.  
credits:Thanks to God and thanks to the reviewers for the other story.  
  
a/n:This does not tie in with the Fellowship House.It takes place before The War of the Ring,before they leave the Shire.  
  
-----  
  
One fine sunny day in the Shire,Gandalf came to visit.He rode his horse up to Bag End,the home of his dear friend Bilbo Baggins.He knocked on the door and waited.  
  
Bilbo opened the door,squinted at the wizard and said "So YOU'VE come back again."   
  
After saying this he turned around and went into the house,leaving the door open with the astonished Gandalf standing on the doorstep.Gandalf finally got over his shock and came into the house.  
  
"Don't knock your head on my lamp!It's been taking a terrible beating from you for years!" said Bilbo.  
  
Gandalf didn't comment on this.Instead he seated himself at the table and waited for Bilbo to offer him something.  
  
"Oh,I guess you'll be wanting something to eat?" said Bilbo,in an aggravated tone.  
  
Gandalf stared.What had happened to the polite Mr. Baggins?Bilbo sat down on the chair next to him and belched loudly.Gandalf nearly jumped out of his skin.  
  
A few minutes later,a very sleepy Frodo emerged from his bedroom.He passed right by Gandalf without acknowledging him.He grabbed some bread from one of the cupboards and passed by Gandalf again.He knocked the hat right off Gandalf's head without apologizing.  
  
Gandalf was appalled.What was wrong with these hobbits?Usually they practically worshiped him,trying to make him eat third helpings at each meal,always asking if he was comfortable,delighted that he had come to visit.  
  
Suddenly Merry,Pippin,and Sam came in.Pippin was the only one who said anything to him.  
  
"Hello Gandalf,old friend!How are you?" said Pippin,cheerfully,whacking Gandalf on the back.  
  
Gandalf thought this was ironic.Usually this young Took was the bane of his existance.Today,Gandalf was very happy to see him.He answered him eagerly and told Pippin to sit down next to him.Sam and Merry grunted to show that they knew that Gandalf existed.  
  
Gandalf leaned close to Pippin. "How long have they been like this?"  
  
"Like what?Oh,impolite grunting pigs? A few months,perhaps.Bilbo's the worst,you know.He's not like the others.He doesn't ignore you,he acts like you're a huge burden." said Pippin,with a sigh.He brightened,though,when he realized that Gandalf,for once,was interested in talking to him.  
  
"Pippin,we must do something about this." said Gandalf earnestly.  
  
!_!_!_!_!  
  
Endnotes: How's it going so far?Review please,but don't flame.The next chapter will be funnier. :-P 


	2. Galadriel?She's waay out of your league ...

The Hobbits Go to Charm School  
By:Resisting Arrest  
disclaimer: I do not own J.R.R. Tolkien's characters,settings,names,etc and no infringement is intended.  
credits:Thanks to God and thanks to the reviewers.  
  
a/n:This does not tie in with the Fellowship House.It takes place before The War of the Ring,before they leave the Shire.  
  
-----  
Pippin stared at Gandalf. "Do you really think that will work?"  
  
"It is the only way." replied Gandalf dramatically.  
  
"If you say so." said Pippin.  
  
It was the day after Gandalf had arrived at Bag End.Things had not improved.At dinner the night before Frodo and Bilbo had gotten into a fight over the last piece of chicken.Both of them got mad when Merry had reached over the table clubbed them both with it and a foodfight had ensued.Gandalf didn't think he would ever get all those peas and mashed potatoes out of his beard and hat.  
  
Ah,well,at least I got a room to myself,Gandalf mused.Pippin has to sleep in one of the closets.  
  
"Are you talking to yourself,Gandalf?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Er..what?Oh..no,of course not Peregrin!" replied Gandalf,a bit flustered.He had not realized he had been talking out loud.  
  
Gandalf picked up his pipe and lit it.Bilbo entered from the next room.  
  
"Gandalf!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Go outside you old pothead!I don't want your second hand smoke!" said Bilbo.  
  
"Pothead?" said Gandalf indignantly.  
  
"Yes!You'll use any excuse to light up that pipe of yours!" Bilbo put a whiny voice on " 'Galadriel dumped me,boo hoo!' "   
  
"Bilbo!" said Gandalf hastily.He didn't like bringing up past romances,and Pippin was watching Bilbo talk with interest.  
  
"Wow..Galadriel?She's waaay out of your league Gandalf!" laughed Pippin.  
  
Gandalf stifled the urge to call him a Fool of a Took and whack him with his staff.He counted to ten and spoke again calmly.  
  
"Pippin,let's go to town.."  
  
~_~_~In Town~_~_~  
  
Gandalf scribbled a note hastily and handed it to the mailhobbit.  
  
"You're really gonna do it Gandalf?" Pippin said.  
  
"Well,they're abominable!" replied Gandalf,waving his staff.  
  
"You'd look a little more serious if you didn't have mashed potatoes in your hair,Gandalf."  
  
~_~_~_~ 2 days later~_~_~_~  
  
Someone was knocking on the door of Bag End.Gandalf galloped to the door and opened it.It was a mailhobbit.He handed Gandalf a letter and bowed.Gandalf thanked him and closed the door.  
  
'Your appointment at the Charm School has been confirmed.We will expect you in 2 days time.Thank you.' the note read.  
  
Gandalf showed Pippin the note.  
  
"How're we going to get them there?" said Pippin.  
  
"I have an idea." said Gandalf.  
  
Merry,Bilbo,and Frodo entered.They sat down and grunted.  
  
"My dear hobbits,Peregrin and I are going to a...a Food Fair.Would you like to join us?" said Gandalf.  
  
The hobbits did not grunt.They consented eagerly.Pippin laughed evilly.  
  
~_~_~  
Endnotes: Next Chapter's gonna be the charm school!Review please! 


	3. Elastic is your friend,Gandalf!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The Hobbits Go to Charm School  
By:Resisting Arrest  
Chapter 3  
disclaimer: I do not own J.R.R. Tolkien's characters,settings,names,etc and no infringement is intended.  
credits:Thanks to God and thanks to the reviewers!  
  
a/n:This does not tie in with the Fellowship House.It takes place before The War of the Ring,before they leave the Shire.  
  
-----  
  
"I can't believe they fell for it,Gandalf!" exclaimed Pippin,heaving Frodo's heavy suitcase into the back of the wagon.  
  
Gandalf didn't reply.He was watching the hobbits file out of the house.  
  
"Bilbo,don't you think those pants are rather...large?" asked Gandalf,staring at the offending trousers.  
  
"What?We're going to a food fair!I have to have room for the food!" replied Bilbo,indignant. "And besides,when you get to be my age,elastic is your friend!"  
  
Pippin grimaced.He tried not to imagine what his body would look like at Bilbo's age.The hobbits climbed into the wagon and they started off.Pippin thanked his lucky stars that they weren't in an inclosed area.The other hobbits were smelling a bit ripe.The sunlight beaming down on them was not helping.  
  
Around midday,when Pippin felt he could no longer stand the smell,Gandalf stopped and they all ate lunch.  
  
"Do you smell them,Gandalf?It's awful!" whispered Pippin to Gandalf. "At least you have your beard to filter it out a bit."  
  
"No!The smell lingers in the beard!" said Gandalf miserably.  
  
As they climbed back into the wagon,Pippin sidled over to Merry (trying to inhale as little as possible).   
  
"Hi Merry." said Pippin,in a friendly voice.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Merry irritably.  
  
"I was wondering..when was the last time you took a bath?" asked Pippin,tentatively.  
  
In response to this,Merry punched Pippin.Poor Pippin scooted away,feeling very depressed.  
  
After another agonizing two hours,the hobbits and the wizard finally arrived at the Charm School.As they entered the gate,Frodo read the sign.  
  
"Charm School?!" he cried,outraged.  
  
-_-_-_-Inside the Charm School-_-_-_-  
  
The hobbits finally entered the Charm School.Gandalf had finally managed to overcome Frodo and carry him inside.This was no easy feat,as Frodo now weighed as much as a small refrigerator.  
  
Gandalf dumped the heavy Frodo on the ground unceremoniously.Frodo dusted himself off and looked around.  
  
They were in a large house,decorated with dark colors.A spiral staircase led upstairs,and many pieces of ruffled ,poufy furniture decorated the front hall.Almost all of the wood in the house was cherry wood.Bilbo and Merry looked around,grunting disdainfully.  
  
"Who decorated this place?Some stupid elf?" demanded Merry.  
  
At that moment his question was answered.  
  
Haldir of Lorien,Legolas,and Arwen came into the hall.  
  
Pippin burst out laughing.They looked ridiculous.Haldir and Legolas were wearing ruffled white shirts,dress shoes,and black pants and jackets.Arwen wore a huge gown,with a large hoop skirt and layers of lace and pearls.  
  
"This Hobbit is most rude!Is he one of the three who are staying?" asked Arwen briskly.  
  
Haldir's nose twitched.He smelled something foul.He strode over to Merry. "Barbarian!Do you ever bathe?!"  
  
Gandalf looked embarrassed.He was also fighting not to laugh.  
  
"No,I didn't register Pippin." said Gandalf.  
  
"Well,he must stay!His manners are terrible!"   
  
~__~__~__~__~  
  
Endnotes:More later! R/R Please!No flames! 


	4. bbbut it was my favorite comb!

The Hobbits Go to Charm School  
  
By:Resisting Arrest  
  
Chapter 4  
  
disclaimer: I do not own J.R.R. Tolkien's characters,settings,names,etc and no infringement is intended.  
  
credits:Thanks to God and thanks to the reviewers!  
  
a/n:This does not tie in with the Fellowship House.It takes place before The War of the Ring,before they leave the Shire.It's been so long!  
  
----  
  
"What have you been feeding them,Gandalf? They look like hogs!" Arwen said disdainfully.  
  
"I'll make ready the hose." said Haldir grimly.  
  
"The hose?" Merry whispered.  
  
"How else would we be able to remove such a stench.Baths for all of you!" said Arwen.  
  
A few minutes later,Haldir reentered. "The hose is ready."  
  
----1 hour later----  
  
The hobbits stood in a row,muttering darkly.For the past hour, they had been sprayed forcefully with the hose, scrubbed roughly, and, worst of all, combs had been dragged through their unruly hair.  
  
Th hobbits had not been required to strip for the mass bath,for that Pippin was grateful.Although there was that moment then Haldir fired the hose at Bilbo's extra large pants and they had been blown away.Pippin winced.He preferred not to think of it.  
  
Frodo rubbed his head sullenly. "I'm almost bald!"  
  
Legolas glared at him. "You should complain.Your hair claimed my favorite comb." Legolas sniffled sadly. Haldir hugged him tightly.  
  
"It's okay,Legolas.You have more combs."  
  
"B-but it was my f-f-favorite comb." Legolas wailed, "It was b-blue."  
  
Pippin sniffed Frodo's arm. "Oh well,you smell better." he said brightly.  
  
"That one gave me a manicure." growled Sam,gesturing to Haldir.He thrust out his big hand to show them.  
  
"He had dirt underneath his nails! It was disgusting!" said Haldir.  
  
"I'm a GARDENER." retorted Sam.  
  
"It looks just right on you too,Sam.Right feminine." Merry laughed loudly.  
  
Sam growled dangerously and leaped on Merry.He let out a string of expletives,most of which Pip had never heard before.He tried to remember them for future use.  
  
Sam and Merry wrestled for a moment before Sam was wrenched off by Arwen.  
  
"I can't leave you alone for a single minute! I have never heard such language in all my years."  
  
"Me neither!" chimed in Pip.  
  
"..And that'd be pretty freakin' long!" cracked Bilbo,jabbing Frodo in the side.  
  
"You're a fine one!" Frodo jabbed him back.  
  
----  
  
Endnotes: More to come! Thanks for reading,please review! 


End file.
